My name is Willow, I am the writer of the blog #Awkward.
Rihabawkwardblog, is a personal blog about my life written for the up andcoming Australian Online Fashion Store http://www.rihab.com.au
If It can, I will
I have spent the last 7 years of my life, a bulk of that time, wondering how I had found myself with a life partner that just didn’t get me. How did this happen? I’m a total romantic, I suppose he is too, and although there was many good times, unfortunately the bad prevailed.
So, there I was, a 29yr old woman, wife, and mother of two deciding this wasn’t it for me.
The prospect of being a single mother with two small children under 6, a newly established business and the mere thought of the vicious gossip that would follow was almost crippling.
It’s not that I didn’t love him; I think I probably loved him too much in hindsight. I had known him since I was a teenager and looking back I think I wanted ‘us’ to work so badly I ignored the blatant truth that it just wasn’t.
He was a beautiful man, and in many ways always will be. He just wasn’t the right for me and nor was I him.
So one morning after one of our usual arguments over an attack of jealousy and suspicion, I felt enough was enough.
It was time to make a big decision, I had to go.
After a few blurred months and no real direction I decided it was time to get out of here.
I needed to do me, and my first stop was one of my special people, one who had once been my best friend.
He was the one person I adored so much but had to make a choice between he and my husband and so I had let him go.
I hadn’t seen him in around 6 years, we where never friends with benefits or anything of the sort. Just two Amazing friends, that had lived together, fought, laughed and experienced most of our teenage to young adult life together.
Perhaps I should have listened when he told me way back then, the man I had chosen to be with was not the man for me..
Felix is and was always one of the funniest people I have ever met, I have never been one for lots of friends, I tend to get so uncomfortable around people I don’t know that I either terrify them or myself and they usually leave my presence thinking I don’t like them.
I remember in high school being told I looked like I was a total bitch by a girl on exchange, as I befriended her knowing she didn’t know anyone at the school. I remember thinking at the time, ‘ok, not sure how to take that’ and distinctly remember laughing and saying ‘that’s just my face’.
Since then so many times I have been told I have this ‘I’m pissed off at the world look”.. I still maintain that’s actually just my face and most of the time I’m either hearing crickets or not thinking about anything in particular!
The harder I try to look relaxed, the more I seem to terrify people. So with this in mind I tent to stick to the amazing and equally crazy friends I have, and mostly avoid talk to randoms.
So, to go or not to go?
It was exactly what this girl needed, some sun, laughs and just a general good time.
So, suitcase in hand, off I went on a weekend to visit my longest friend and that was that!
It wasn’t long into my trip that I was introduced to his friends, all younger than me with that distinct QLD ruggedness.
So different to what I had come accustomed to here in Melbourne. Happy-go-lucky, the addictive types.
After a few drinks and plenty of laughs I found myself the subject of a tall muscle and YOUNG man.. Me? Me?
Mother of two, just turned 30… possible divorce.. Was he crazy?
I have always been the relationship type, so dating and games is not my strongest point. But I did my best to play it cool… yea I totally had this!
As the night went on, the drinks got stronger, the skirts got shorter, the dancing got closer and that one too many tequila shots he went in for the kiss…in that moment I realized just how good it felt to be me again.
Freedom, I could taste it literally!
I spent the rest of the night feeling like I was 17 again, laughing, kissing, just being ok with being me. It felt amazing! He was the first person to break me free from this confusion and uncertainty I had been feeling since I left.
He liked me and I liked him.
We decided on group decision we should go home and continue the party at Felix’s place with a small group of friends.
Up until this point, I had been blanketed and saved by the fact that I was around music and distraction. It left me little room to say something inappropriate or completely awkward.
I don’t know why I do it, its like I have this timing radar.
I’m the one the says F*ck at the exact time the music stops. I clap at the wrong time, I never remember names but most of all I have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Things where going really well, we where getting along like a house on fire, those eyes, those lips, lust!
The sky started to lighten and we decided to step outside for a quick cigarette and maybe I quick stairs and smile here and there.
It wasn’t long before his best friend came out to see what we where up to.. As he walked outside he said ‘so, what are you guys talking about?’
Feeling pretty confident with myself I piped up and responded ‘your mum’!
A card I used regularly, and no matter how many times, I always found it amusing.
Within a second I knew. I had said something wrong.. But what had I said? I was pretty drunk and no sooner had I spoken had I forgotten what I had said.
“That’s not funny.’
He said. ‘My mum just died…’
WHAT? Is this guy serious? Is this actually happening? What.. WHAT?
Within a second, the vibe changed, my tall dark and handsome was gazing not in my eyes but quietly at the floor. And just like that I had gone from WINNING to ‘are you serious!’
I fumbled for words and tried with all of my self-control not to ask him if he was joking. I figured, on the chance he wasn’t, perhaps I best not.
I sat there desperately trying to hold down the burning shade of fascia I could feel rising in my face.
‘Oh my god… I’m so sorry..’ I uttered.
Trying at this point not to be completely selfish as all I really cared about was the boy who had been my walking lipsmakers all night.
As I watched him get up and awkwardly go back inside, I couldn’t bring myself to get up.
Do I get up and leave this poor boy out here alone with the thoughts of his passed mother, or do I stay with him and leave my lipsmacker and try in a desperate attempt to redeem myself?
As I sat there consoling this poor stranger, I couldn’t help but think…
Seriously, of all times and days to use that particular expression, why, why then.. Why me.
Do I have to make EVERYTHING so AWKWARD.
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#AWKWARD 